Top 6 tips for beginning meditation – lessons from my cushion

When we set an intention to begin meditation, it can be a bit daunting. Am I doing it right? I am thinking too much? Can I move or must I sit still? How long is long enough? I often would put off meditation practice because I was afraid I wasn’t doing it “right”. Well, I am here to help because there is no right or wrong way. Mediation is about connecting to your body and about observing. I have put together a few tips to help you get started based on my own experiences.

1. Commit to sit. Meditation is a practice. You cannot expect to sit for an hour with existential bliss. Sorry. It is something that needs to be cultivated and this can only come from practice. Daily repetition. Start by deciding on a time that suits you. A time when you are unlikely to be disturbed. I have two young children and they can disturb anytime so I understand if this is something that might put you off. But there is always a time. I have recently been getting up an hour earlier so I can have some undisturbed time to start my day with a body scan. Avoid other distractions too by switching off your phone or moving to a quiet space in your home. Like all things, start small. The length of time is not as important as the consistency. Perhaps you might like to start with 5 minutes of quietness. You can always build up from there. Then, schedule it, set reminders, whatever you need to do but keep at it, everyday. Every time you practice you will build some meditation muscles and feel like, over time, you are getting the hang of it.

2. Diverted Interest. I used to think “I cannot meditate because I am too distracted” I have shiny things syndrome and my mind is often scattering from one thing to the next. In Buddhism they call it the monkey mind. Imagine a monkey in a cage scampering around – always on the move. That is a common state of mind for many of us. This is NOT a reason to not begin. The trick comes by firstly, not seeing thoughts and distractions as a failure. To achieve this, I recently flipped my thinking to be more helpful and compassionate. It was with thanks to Sona Fricker at Breathworks. On my recent retreat, he said that your mind will wander during meditation. The reason it wanders is because it has found something more interesting. This seems a much kinder way of putting it than to berate myself for being distracted. Now, I just become aware whenever possible of my diverted interest, and rather than get annoyed, I gentle escort my thoughts and attention back to my breath. And the great thing is, each time I become aware of diverted interest, is a moment of success in my mindfulness practice. I am observing my thoughts.

3. Posture: There are no hard and fast rules about this. I always envisioned that supple monk, cross-legged, sitting calmly on a hard floor, yet looking totally relaxed. When I started, I twitched and got uncomfortable and wanted to move and felt all tense and stiff. Then I discovered posture is totally individual. The important thing is to be comfortable. When you have chronic pain, this can be troublesome. Sitting for long periods was always a thing to make my pain intensify. So you can use pacing techniques to assist in getting used to the right posture. Don’t begin sitting for an hour, just sit for as long as you can manage. And don’t be afraid to alter your position. You can also begin to use your mindfulness practice to observe any pain or discomfort as you are sitting. It is important to be well-supported and if sitting, ensure your knees are below you hips. I always struggled with sitting cross-legged because of my fused spine and stiff joints. Solution: often I will lie down to meditate or I have found sitting in a chair can be easier. So, try a few different postures and don’t feel like you HAVE TO do it this way or that way. Just find whatever position is most suitable for you at the time.

4. Let it go. I often had some form of expectation or result from my meditation but I have learnt that this is exactly what I need to let go. My problem was often going into a formal meditation practice feeling relaxed and then coming out stressed! Why? Because I would beat myself up about my “mistakes”. Each time my interest went elsewhere (see – even now I have stopped saying distracted!), I got annoyed. Each time I felt stiff or sore, I was annoyed. Each time I stopped before my pre-determined time, I was annoyed. Add to that, the mental chatter that I felt I would never be able to control.  The scattered and random thoughts – even though I was taking notice of them, still seemed to annoy me. Mindfulness is all about observing without judgement. Any physical sensation, thought or emotion that comes along is absolutely fine. Just observe it –do not then assign judgment (good or bad) or place too much emphasis on it. Just keep observing or return your focus to your breath if this is possible for you.  Here it may also be useful for you to label any thoughts or feelings, for example, “I am having the thought that I am hungry” or “I feel a slight twitch in my eye”.

5. Keep at it. How do athletes get to the elite level? How do musicians become ready for a big performance? Practice. Do not think you will sit for an hour completely distraction free right from the word go. Practice is key. Keep coming back, time and again. Even within a meditation session. You may need to remind yourself a few times, maybe many times. Each time you return to your attention or to your formal practice, you are building up the neural pathways that will strengthen your awareness abilities. You are building mental muscles each time you sit, so keep at it.

6. Get help. I have included some books below that were really helpful for me. I have also attended some meditation workshops and retreats. If you want to get started but are unsure, there are so many resources out there. I also found sometimes at the beginning I was struggling with extended silences. I think this is pretty normal. In our fast paced world, we find it hard to unplug. We are so used to “doing” and rarely just “being”. But I have found a good success from using guided meditations. Initially, I thought this was a sign of failure but getting a guide and starting with some help means you can introduce the concepts and ideas slowly. I have found it really useful.

So, to finish off, why not just give it a go, stop right now and just take some slow, breathes with awareness – hey, you are meditating! Best of luck, please let me know any stories, experiences, tips or tricks that you have.

Wherever You Go, There You Are
You Are Not Your Pain: Using Mindfulness to Relieve Pain, Reduce Stress, and Restore Well-Being---An Eight-Week Program
Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children: Becoming a Mindful Parent

Communicating with loved ones

I hear and see a lot of pain posts about invisible pain and illness. Often people will say how others don’t understand what they are going through. I was the same. I would paint a happy picture to all those around me. When friends and family asked me how I was doing,  I would say “Yep. I’m fine!” I didn’t want people’s sympathy, so I just fobbed it off and changed the subject quickly. But, over time, I’ve learnt this can be damaging to me in two ways. Firstly, it is just plain hard work to pretend when you are in pain. Secondly, my relationships became strained. My loved ones truly wanted to know how I was doing and if they could help but I shut them out because I thought they just wouldn’t understand.  

I think, especially at this time of year, when we are probably spending a lot of time with our friends and family, I thought I would write a few notes on the importance of communicating when you self manage chronic pain. Here are my top tips:

Tell them. Have some real conversations. If a loved one asks you how you are feeling, it is OK to say “Actually, my pain is bothering me today”.  I often found it hard to describe the pain when I was in it because I think a large proportion of my energy was required to manage the pain.  I didn’t have much strength remaining for a deep and meaningful. But that is not to say you can’t talk about it when you are feeling a bit better. Perhaps it might be easier to describe your pain and its impact on your life on paper, in a short film or poem.  But, whatever your mode of communication, I believe it is important to tell your nearest and dearest what it is like for you. They may not be able to empathise as they haven’t felt that way before but they can try if they know what it is like. If you keep saying you are fine then they never get the chance at understanding what you are truly going through.

Ask for help: My loved ones were often offering help to me. They do this because they care and they don’t want to see me suffering. So I have found that once I learnt what works best for me when in pain, I needed to tell them too. I had my loved ones spend the day with me during the pain management course and we went through, together, the activities and techniques that would form my new bag of tricks when managing pain. I also set up a few new rules. As a self pain manager, I said I would ask THEM for help when I needed it.  I also went through my new pain management strategies because when I was struggling I wanted to be sure they were going to offer me real effective solutions. I didn’t want to be mollycoddled . I didn’t want them to suggest I go have a lie down. Now, they tell me to go for a walk or do some stretches because we all know this is what works for me.

Be prepared: I just think it’s good to have a few pre-prepared comments ready for the common situations you may experience. So if the offer of help/query about how you are feeling is made, be sure to be accurate in the answer and give appropriate direction as to how that person can actually help you. My favourite goes along the lines of “My pain is bothering me, would you mind if you (...do this...) so that I can (...do this...)”. For example, here is a common one for me, I am out at a social function and chatting away happily with someone. But sitting and standing for long periods are often recipes for a flare up. So I might say after a few minutes “Do you mind if we sit and keep talking because my pain is bothering me as I have been standing up for a while now?” Or something along those lines. So I always have a few phrases ready and I make sure they are clear, calmly delivered and, above all else, helpful to me in that exact moment.

Get a tribe behind you. I recently attended a pain management support group social event. There was a lot of comparing treatments, specialists, pain conditions. I sat back and listened and tried to ascertain if this was a beneficial exercise. Sure, it is nice to know others are out there in similar situations. For some, this can help to realise that many of the reactions to pain and how it affects your life are universal. You feel less alone.  But, I was concerned because there was very  little suggestions of alternative solutions, techniques within a person’s control to deal with their pain. Since starting this project, I have connected with a number of like minded individuals who believe in the power of self management. This is a great supportive network to be around. When I am feeling low on motivation or struggling with some aspect of my journey, this tribe builds me up and gets me back on purpose. That, to me, is much more helpful than having a pity party. If you focus on the negative, then maybe that is all you will see?

So, it is New Years Day, have you got a resolution in mind? I saw one thing that I thought really true about living with chronic pain. Focus on the things you CAN do. You can have conversations, you can ask for help and you can be a part of a supportive network. What are you going to do?