Just Be - Mindfulness in Daily Life Blog

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Just Be - Mindfulness in Daily Life Blog

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Mandy

xx

Reflection on 2016

2016 was not a great year. Actually, there were times when it frankly sucked. You may have realised from my total shut down towards the end of the year. I turned off Facebook, removed Instagram. I was like a boat perilously taking on water. All unnecessary items were tossed overboard.

In 2017, I am pegging things back a notch. I have spent the past few weeks contemplating, reflecting and re-evaluating. I have been asking myself what I want to do with this new year, what is most important to me. I have been doing this by working on a personal mission statement (inspired by reading Katy Bowman’s Movement Matters book). This process challenges you to consider your core values by thinking what keywords epitomise you (it’s as if someone looks you up in the dictionary…what will they see as your definition?). Some people also call it legacy. I have written before on this blog about how I would like to be remembered.

So I will share some of my keywords with you. Relaxed. Improving. Silly. Mindful. Strong. Comfortable. Outdoors. But my top three are definitely these…..Love. Family. Health. I wanted to share these because I have decided 2017 is only about these three things. I am keeping it simple. These words will drive my decisions and my activities. If it doesn’t somehow fit within these three core values, it’s out. And, I am afraid, some of the time, that means this blog will be out too. It takes a lot of my time to just focus on and appropriately give service to these three foundational parts of me. What remaining time/energy I have to give will sometimes make it to this blog/page. But oftentimes I will be experiencing and savoring in my love, family and health.  

Love. When I think about values this is always the first thing that pops into my head. I love to love (I am a Leo – a people person!). It is partly about me doing the things I love to do but mainly about fully loving those people in my life. Being with them, honouring them, supporting them and just squeezing the heck out of them.  What I often neglect or ignore is self-love. Yep, that’s a tough one. And I don’t just think this is me. We all struggle to acknowledge and appreciate who we are and what we do. But in 2017, I plan to learn to love myself. I am going to start shouting out my awesomeness… to whomever will hear. I will love all of me. My imperceptions, my mistakes…without judgement – which means without my default reaction of mentally bashing myself up. NO more. I think this might be easy to say but it is my intention and I have shared it with you all now, so feel free to call me on it. I have some good friends who will do that don’t worry (they often do when I verbalise my mistakes or shortcomings).  

Family. I love my family (and yes, you friends out there, you all get wrapped up in this core value). That husband and kids of mine mean everything to me. We are a strong family unit and we love each other unconditionally. But like most families, unconditional love does not exclude misunderstandings, fighting, and sometimes feeling like you could strangle them. As I am sure all of you parents out there will know, raising little people can be hard work. Yes, we know, it is rewarding, you wouldn’t change it for a second but…it does require a lot of mental and physical energy….and a whole heap of patience! But I am willing to put in these hard yards. They are worth it.

Health. To effectively manage my pain, I need to do a lot of stuff! I need to meditate, stretch, keep moving, pace my daily activities and fuel my body in the ways that work for me. The time it takes to do this stuff adds up! In a day, it might mean and hour or two (if I am to do it properly!). It’s a big commitment but I do it. I do it because it works. I do it because it helps and it makes me feel good. I do it because it reduces the intensity and frequency of my pain, especially flare ups. I am stronger, happier and more able to cope when I do these things. And when I don’t do it – well, the reverse. I hurt. I ache and I feel like I can’t cope. And when I get like that my decision-making skills, my communication skills, my overall personality suffers. And to fully honour my first two values, I need to ensure this one gets its good measure too.

So in closing, I may not be around much this year. I am going to be busy strengthening the foundations. I am doing the things that matter to me. And a massive step towards my intention of self love is to know and truly believe that is enough. I am enough.

Be kind to yourself and live the life you want.

You have control.

Change… It’s in you.

…and go shout our your awesomeness to whomever will listen.

Two ideas for destigmatising chronic pain

I follow a lot of pain blogs online and am in online support groups. I regularly speak to people struggling with chronic pain. One of the most common struggles people have is a feeling that those around them have little understanding of what they are going through. It sure can be frustrating and results in feeling misunderstood and isolated. Chronic pain is often referred to as an invisible illness because there does not seem to be any outward presentation or indication of how much a person may be suffering on the inside. I would like to offer two solutions to help destigmatise pain and improve understanding. I am offering this blog in preparation for National Pain Week which aims to

1. To de-stigmatise the experience of chronic pain

2. Promote current thinking to explain chronic pain to the wider Australian community

3. Create healing relationships between the person in pain and their pain clinician/s

4. Reduce the isolation and suffering of people in pain.

So here are my suggestions:

1.  Dishing up some reality pie.

We all have stuff we need to get done. Work, social responsibilities, family and friends. Often these commitments will pull on our attention and time. But the reality is pain interrupts our ability to do some of these things. I am sure people with pain would not deny that. Finding some kind of balance between these responsibilities and our physical limitations is a challenge. Is it time to get real?

When we struggle with all our commitments we place high expectations on ourselves. Often these expectations come from comparison to others. We will often compare the worst of ourselves (think a high pain flare day) with the best of someone else (think their glossy Facebook status or photo shopped gym snap). These comparisons can get you down. We find ourselves attached to some unrealistic version or vision for ourselves, one that may not fully take our limitations into account. Attachment to this idea of what we “should” be doing can cause a lot of frustration, anxiety and stress. All of which may add to our pain. I have written about the dangers of comparisons before.  What if we were kind to ourselves? What if we accepted that we have a chronic condition that may inhibit our ability to do certain things? What if we focused on the little things, the small achievements and celebrated those? If we were able to flip to this kind of mindset, think how this would alter our experience of pain. I am definitely not saying this is an easy thing to do – believe me, it is something I am continually working on, but over time, with practice and self-compassion it can be done.

Here’s another way of looking at it. My son recently is grappling with the issue of being “cool” versus being “himself”. The “cool” kids at his school play rough and swear but he knows that is not the right thing to do. Yes, strangely profound for an 8 year old but I think those of us with chronic pain have a similar dilemma. We want to be like the cool kids, those active, fast-paced achievers. You know those people who can do everything. But I am someone with chronic pain, my capabilities are limited. In my race to keep up with the cool kids I will risk overdoing it, increasing my pain and living a deception. As a people pleaser, I often feel myself in the same battle as my son – do I pretend I can do everything or do I be myself and do things my way?. I self manage chronic pain so my personal standards are about putting my health first, working within my limits and not overdoing it. To live by those standards, it often means saying a polite “no”. The more real we are and true to ourselves, the less likely we are to run into the trouble of keeping up with the cool kids because, in the long run, the cost of this is too high.

Chinese proverb “ Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are”

Right, I will admit, “keeping it real” is not easy but here are some ideas for helping to achieve this:

Set regular, realistic goals – these might be in a short or long term timeframe or they might be a simple goal for the day. By setting goals we give ourselves some direction and purpose and a reason for celebrating when we reach certain milestones. It is important that we keep these realistic and within our limits or capabilities. Remember all those responsibilities and commitments? Setting goals allows us to put these in perspective and break down the necessary ones into smaller, manageable chunks. Sounds a bit like pacing doesn’t it? It works.

Pick your battles – following on from the need to prioritise and set goals is the ability to filter through your roles and responsibilities and pick the ones that are going to work for you, in this moment, on this day. Somethings are just not worth the effort or the fight and might need to be put aside. It doesn’t mean never doing that thing, but you might just decide that, today, for whatever reason, that is not the best path for you.

Ditch the superhero complex - When people ask how you are going, do you often say “I am so busy”!? I know I do. But why do we think that is a mark of success? Maybe taking mindful pauses and some time out for self care is just as important as all those other things on the to-do list. What we might like to get done and what we are physically able to get done might be two totally different things. Remember that by overdoing it we will often cause a pain flare. If we decide to do less we can actually do more. Yes, that sounds crazy but if we rationally plod away through our day, taking breaks, setting realistic goals, we can manage pain and avoid flare ups. By powering through and conquering the world in an attempt to be a superhero, we are likely to get burnt out, tired, increase pain and stress/emotion. Slow down, take breaks and be a tortoise.

2. Honest conversations promote understanding

"You always cancel at the last minute." "You don’t look sick." I have found a way to stop getting frustrated at responses like this from well-meaning friends/family who may not understand your situation - Tell them the truth! When people ask how you are going, do you answer “I’m fine.”? Well guess what? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot tell someone you are fine and then begrudge them for not understanding your situation. I often hear people glorify their acting skills when in pain (and I used to do this – all the time!) but in pretending we are fine, people never know what it is really like to live with pain. In the long run, wouldn’t it be better to be honest and simply respond with “today, my pain is bothering me” or go on to explain how it feels for you “when I have a pain flare my body feels like is made of lead so all movement and activity is a real struggle”. And rather than just stating how you feel, you can ask for help or tell the person what they could do to allow you to help yourself. Of course, here I mean talking honestly with your loved ones and those closest to you – I am pretty sure every person you speak to from the postman to the salesgirl at the checkout does not need to know the ins and outs of your health journey!

And here is where this blogpost goes full circle. What if…we had a realistic expectations AND we told the truth. We would not pretend to be well and happy when we are clearly not. We would educate those around us by decreasing the stigma and increasing the understanding of living with pain. We have the chance to live more at ease with ourselves and with those around us.

Be real. Be honest. Live Well. Change – it’s in you.

 I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this - do you think this would help destigmatise pain? Do you eat reality pie and speak honestly? I would love to hear from you!

 

 

Guest Post: Caring for Carers

Guest Post: Krishna Dutton from The Wellness Barn, Mind Body Spirit Consultant- Reiki Master / Instructor and Workshop Facilitator

A carer is someone who is providing unpaid care for a person living in either the community, residential care, or has recently become a bereaved carer.

The carer is an integral part of the care relationship, ensuring that the needs of the individual are provided. The job description is endless – often 24/7.The carer takes on many different roles, often losing their identity and becoming entrenched in being a carer.

I have worked in Community Services most of my life in various roles and have seen this first hand. I have seen the impact the caring role has on the family, friends, neighbours, and everyone else involved in the care of others. On many occasions, I have witnessed where the carer is the last person to be considered, as they feel it is their duty to continue to look after someone at their own expense. Many carers are reluctant to ask for help and end up physically and mentally ill.

Having worked as a case manager in a carer support program, I continue my passion to support carers by facilitating carer wellbeing workshops in the community and in my practice at the newly established Wellness Barn in The Basin.

The feedback I get from carers informs me that they feel very overwhelmed in the caring role, but attend The Wellness Barn to ensure they have time for themselves. They learn strategies to de-stress in their everyday life in a fun and interactive style. This also allows the carers to connect with other people in similar situations.

The benefits of carers attending the mindfulness carer support groups and their accompanying day retreats are endless.

Testimonials

"…This was so much what I needed – the mindfulness exercises I have learnt will remain with me…"

"…Each week throughout the 10 week course, I gained valuable tools to that have now enabled me to engage with my mind in a more helpful way, which in turn is leading to more successful outcomes…"

I would encourage all the carers out there to come along to The Wellness Barn which is located on an acre of land at the foot of the tranquil Dandenong Ranges. Click below to find out more about some upcoming events:

Carers Mindfulness Support Group

Carers Mindfulness Day Retreats