Three key lessons I learnt from taking a break

I have always placed some very high expectations on myself. When I began Take Hold of Pain (THoP), I had grand dreams. After spending so many years struggling and suffering with chronic pain, I was passionate about helping others avoid suffering. I often would model my dreams on what I saw other amazing wellness entrepreneurs doing online. I wanted to have that too. In my first year of developing the THoP project, I pursued speaking, writing, coaching, learning, teaching and podcasting. I usually only managed to find about half a day a week to work on all this stuff! So, it doesn’t take an Einstein to figure out, it was all a bit much. Add to that, I had some major changes and challenges on the homefront. Towards the end of last year, I felt a major crash was heading my way. The warning signs were there. I was neglecting my self-management strategies, pain was rising, I was often tired and unwell...I needed to stop. I needed to take some time out and focus on me. So, I stepped back and I put many things on hold including my business. This gave me some space to pause, look around and re-assess what I really wanted.

Taking this break, these past few months have taught me some important lessons.

#1. Knowing what makes me happy. Taking a break gave me the time and space to realise what I love doing. I love spending time with my family. I love preparing healthy meals and treats. I do love cleaning and de-cluttering (well, maybe not the actual process but definitely the results of my labours!). When I was working and trying to juggle my many roles, I was neglecting the things I loved doing. The messy, disorganised house led to the frazzled, overwhelmed and irritable mum. A lengthy to-do list replaced easy-going, spontaneous fun times I enjoyed with the kids. The lack of healthy food and snacks led to the return of packets and processed “easy” meals. All of these things led to a decline in my health and subsequently a decline in my overall mental wellbeing.

Being the fun mum makes me happy. I had become a busy stressed mum and let me tell you, she’s no fun at all. She gets angry at little things. She yells. The fun mum takes the time to walk in the rain, dance around to daggy 90s music, to potter in the garden or just take a cuppa into the sunshine. She’s the one I like and she’s the one my family needs. Knowing what makes me happy has made it easier to prioritise. I want to do many things but the important ones, those that come first, are those that make me happy.

#2. It’s ok to go slow. When deciding to take a break, I did some soul searching. Who was I doing this for? Was I trying to prove something? I knew I wanted to help others experiencing pain and health challenges but I wasn’t willing to do it at the expense of my own. I needed to put my own health and that of my family first.  I was really worried that taking a break would be considered unprofessional. I was scared of loosing those few followers with whom I had started to build a connection. Despite being unsure I also knew I needed to refine my workload. I had too much on my plate and some things had to go. But I learnt that it’s ok to do that. It’s ok to put myself first. In fact, sometimes, it’s necessary, especially when you have to live with chronic pain. If you don’t, if you continually put others first or chase that big career goal or whatever it might be, things can get worse. And I have been down in that hole (see my blog on darkest days). I am not going back there.

Everyone’s journey is different. When we compare to others, we convince ourselves their life is easy, a clear path to the top without problems. In reality, most people have a tough slog. I think I convince myself that other people have had these overnight successes. People who are successful, fulfilled, have optimum health or happy usually had a hard slog to get to that place. It would have involved countless hours of self exploration, refinement and experiences and yes, I am sure they have had their failures along the way too. It was more likely a slow progression, interspersed with a few setbacks. Most importantly was how they responded to those set backs. Asking themselves “How will I go on? How will I manage? What have I learnt do differently?” So this led me to ask myself, if I let go of all that comparison and accepted where I am on my own journey right now, if I focused on where I am today, then the important question, for me, is...what do I need to do today that helps me achieve my goals and aligns with what is important to me? And if the answer is, do nothing, then that’s ok. Tomorrow the answer might be different but I need to just focus on what is important right now.

Going slow is also a concept I am passionate about because, in essence, this is what pacing is all about. I love pacing. I love how it can get you started on your goals, it can get you through simple daily tasks and it can help minimise flare ups and prevent overdoing it. Don’t worry, I will talk more about pacing soon because...well (spoiler alert) I am writing a book all about it!

#3. Celebrate where you are. I have come a long way from the crying mess on the floor 7 years ago. Then, I was depressed, withdrawn and without hope. These days, I am more mindful, I don’t dwell on unhelpful thoughts (well, rarely!) and I don’t let these thoughts snowball out of control. I have a busy life with two young kids aged 8 and 4 and a husband who runs his own business. I volunteer at school, I bake and cook many things from scratch using wholefoods, I also teach and share my story with others. Hey, I think I need to cut myself a break. I do plenty. I am enough. Why is it always so tough for us to recognise and acknowledge that we are enough? We are all doing a good job. We don’t need to always be striving and searching and wanting more. Here and now is fine.

As a part of all this, I think taking a break also made me become more aware of what I can do and what I cannot do. I have learnt to negotiate that fine line between managing and falling in a heap - my tipping point. So as a result, recently I wrote up my 2016 goals and plans for my THoP project and then compared this with my current commitments (working part time for the family business, my volunteer commitments, the family sporting and leisure schedules) and guess what, they don’t align. I know that too much pressure would result from trying to achieve these two parts of my life. I have a daughter in her last year before school, I need to cherish and nurture her this year. I have a son bravely figuring out who he is and where he fits into the world. I want to be there for them and be that fun mum. I need to be realistic. So this year, there won’t be that much coming from me. I want to enjoy my family time and when there is space and time, I want to write and teach and continue sharing my story. But, I need to go slow, look after myself and enjoy the ride.

Here are my lovelies, these are the ones who make me happy.
I love this photo too because you can tell here, I am the fun mum!

 

 

 

 

Taking a short break....

I haven’t been keeping up with my blogging schedule at all. One of my previous posts was about balance and, to be honest, I am still struggling. I want to do everything but I have limited time and energy. I need to focus on my two main priorities.. and these are my own pain management commitments and my family. Here is why. For the past few months, I have been on a pretty good routine first thing in the morning. I wake up and do a body scan meditation and my stretches/exercises before the kids get up. Well....we have just welcomed a new puppy into our household and it’s like we have a new baby all over again. So that has changed how this routine has been working. I am adapting it as we go to accommodate him as he is learning to be an inside dog! He will be a good helper in motivating me to do my daily walks too but that is once he learns how to walk on a lead without pulling my arm off! I have been taking on too many commitments and my body is giving me some subtle (and not so subtle) signs that I need to slow down a little. It’s taken me such a long time to develop this self awareness so I dare not listen. Without going into too much detail, I feel I need to be more accessible to my family at the moment. My eldest is going through a trying stage, figuring out a sense of her authentic self. To ensure I am giving her all the love and support she needs, I want to be as available as I can. We are a strong family unit of 4 (oops sorry, 5 now with the dog!) and I am dedicated to giving to them all I can to support, love and nurture them through this time. A while back someone suggested a good method for determining priorities in life is to imagine what you would like people to say about you in a eulogy. And it’s not morbid. It’s actually a calming and centring thought. And high on my list is that my kids would say I was a good mum. Simple as that. The problem is, after these two priorities, I am really enthusiastic and committed to this new business I have started. I want to help other people with chronic pain realise they do not have to suffer. They can avoid the years of suffering I experienced if they had a little education about the things that work...and if they are willing to take on some responsibility. But my time is precious and I need to ensure I have my priorities right. I want to manage my pain and be there for my family. So I am going to need to be slightly less active for the next little while with my blogging and updates. I am not going to totally disappear and I have planned a few guest posts over the next little while to continue to inform and inspire. So, I hope you can understand and please stay with me. I need you too... so please, don’t disappear. I’ll be back. Gentle virtual hugs to you all. XX

Finding Balance

Hello dear web friends. Sorry I have been absent for a while. I’m feeling like I am over committed and I’m not hitting my targets! When I started this blog, it was my intention to post every two weeks. While I often think it would be nice to sit and write all day long and post more regularly, I am conscious of my other life commitments. My family, my home, my new fledgling business and, most importantly, to my own self management priorities – daily stretching, meditation, pacing activities. So as you can imagine, sometimes I have a bit of a struggle with balance.

Balance seemed like a good topic for this blog. I was talking with my daughter recently about healthy food choices. She is learning this at school (and, don’t worry, this will be a whole separate blogpost about this issue in itself!). She asked me what I thought was the most important thing to learn about food. I took a while to answer her. I needed to tread carefully. At seven, she is at that precious age where impressionable meets potentially detrimental. I responded with a single word: balance. There is no need to be too strict or too relaxed. Give your body what it needs and occasionally what it wants. But I wanted to be clear to her that it is about balance.

In every moment we have a choice and balance is about the choices we make. There is the choice between doing what is easy (in the moment) and what is right. This is the terminology used in a book I read recently called “The Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod.  In terms of self managing chronic pain, it is choosing to do something other than what I know is the right thing for managing my pain. For example:

Right: Being mindfully aware of my movements as I engage in daily activities and stopping when I need to, being aware of pacing. Easy: Acting on auto-pilot and powering through to ensure jobs get done.

Right: Spending the time to prepare a healthy, nutrient-dense meal. Easy: grabbing some quick packaged food or eating something I know is not good for me but is quick to prepare (i.e. a sandwich).

Right: Meditation practice, being aware of thoughts, emotions and physical sensations. Easy: Skipping it, falling asleep, watching TV and zoning out.

Right: Doing exercise that strengthens my muscles and/or increases flexibility. Easy: Making excuses or putting it off.

Balance and choice also comes down to making a strong decision to put  the long term gain before a short term benefit. What do I truly want in this moment? Will my decision be in alignment with what I truly believe in? Do I want to spend quality time with my children? Am I craving something sweet like chocolate? Do I want to sleep? It is sometimes difficult, in the present moment, to choose the option that will result in a long term gain. And here is where I feel I need to just be really annoying and to start contradicting myself. I am also certain that when managing pain, we need to be gentle with ourselves. We all make mistakes; we all have days when we just don’t feel like it. So, although it sounds contradictory, I also believe balance means being gentle. Make allowances and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Some days you will need to take the easy option. If it is only, every now and again, that is fine.

Having said that, I think there is a concept here which might be relevant. It is learned helplessness. I have been on this ride for 20 years. The choice to do what is easy and to subsequently block my feelings of pain had become an ingrained habit. Old habits die hard.  I am getting much better at making those strong choices on a moment by moment basis. What is even more interesting is that each time I do make those new connections, my brain is getting stronger. The brain can change and so those old habits, over time, will die and new habits can begin to flourish.

The problem is, when things get out of balance, they crash. I have experienced this and I am sure you have too. You may teeter at a tipping point for a while but, sooner or later, if things remain out of balance, a crash will come. With chronic pain, the crash can be big and difficult to recover from. Even as I write this, I am struck down with a bad cold. With my balance at a precarious tipping point, my immune system is compromised and I have become run down.
 

So I want to provide a few small tips to help you maintain (or at least become aware) of balance. I am sure by now you realise, I am not perfect and I am still figuring this all out but I hope some of these comments help. Please, by all means, get in touch with me, leave comments below. If you have some ideas for helping maintain balance then please share. Your ideas might just help someone avoid their own tipping point.

It is okay to say NO. Even though I know I am not very good at following this bit of advice, I do know that you cannot please everyone. People can often put pressure on you to do things, to be involved, to help them.  Just be honest and say something like “I would love to help but that is a bit beyond my capabilities at this time”. I am sure people would prefer your honesty rather than trying and failing or pulling out at the last minute.  Be realistic with your time. Ask yourself how long will this task take? How much “available” time do I really have? This is definitely an area where I struggle because I quickly forget how much time it takes to do the tasks I am already committed to.

Question your tasks list. I heard on a podcast recently a tip from a book about decluttering. You only need ask one question: does this thing bring me joy? If the answer is no then it goes. In a similar way, you can declutter your to-do list. Start by asking, does it align with my core values? Will it help me achieve my goals? Is it important to me? Is it urgent? There is a sign up near my washing machine that says simply “Does this task really need to be done right now?” It is to help me remember pacing and to make me stop and question if I could be spending my time more wisely. So, look at the jobs you need to do and prioritise them – important and aligning with your goals first, urgent afterwards.  This is based on a concept in the book "7 habits of highly effective people" by Stephen R. Covey

Sound it out with someone. I am very lucky to have a husband who is always happy to have me bounce ideas off him. We will often have a good conversation (often after the kids are in bed) about what we both having coming up. He is protective by nature and is quite quick to challenge whether I am overdoing it. So if you are feeling a bit stuck or overwhelmed or concerned your balance is at tipping point, talk it over with someone you trust, ask for advice or help.

Breathe and acknowledge, you are enough. This is difficult for me, probably for everyone. We think we need to be superhuman and hit all these massive items on our to-do list. But deep down, we are all struggling with something; we are all feeling a bit like we don’t quite measure up. How about dropping the standard for a while? How about acknowledging what we have achieved and cutting ourselves a break. You are enough.

Lastly I just wanted to let you know what I have been up to. Some of my recent commitments have been to local projects. I am teaching local “how to self-manage chronic pain” courses. I am organising a National Pain Week event with a range of guest speakers all about self management. But I really wanted to tell you about the lovely group I have helped to establish...The Wellness Support Group. We are a locally based, peer-run support group but we focus on lifestyle solutions to pain. This is no pity party! We are active, solutions focused and really positive in our attitude and our relationships. If this sounds like something you want to know more about, I am happy to help people establish their own local groups. I can explain how we went about it and even provide a copy of our “draft mission statement” which outlines who we are and what we do. It’s just a great bunch of people supporting each in a relaxed environment. Please feel free to email me if you want more information on this.

And, not so locally, if you have not had the chance yet, please check out my new podcast with Carole Staveley called Health Champions in Action. If you like what you hear, please leave us a rating in iTunes or follow along on our Facebook Page!  
 

Until next time, stay balanced. X.


www.healthchampionsinaction.com