When I compare I despair...

I remember when I was in school we would need to line up from tallest to smallest in preparation for school photos. This was so we could march out to the photo area and be arranged in a perfect way, tallies at the back, shorties in the front. I was always towards the end of the line and I often competed with one of my best friends. She was very annoyed when I “grew” 3cm after my back surgery and I became one of the tallest. As kids, we would compare ourselves in this way and it was pretty easy. It was even nice to get that quick visual idea of where everyone was at in that moment in time. There was no judging involved it was just a fact. I’m taller than you are.

As an adult, I have realised when I compare myself to others, it can lead to feelings of despair. Here is how... Lately, I have been reading and listening to podcasts from famous entrepreneurs or about building a business or following very successful bloggers/health advocates. It has been inspiring and I have gleamed a number of red hot ideas worth pursuing. But then I get into compare mode...she has so many more followers than me, that website looks so great, that persons sells an amazing volume of products. And in the process of this comparing, self doubt and negative self talk will creep in. I could never do that, where do they find the time to do that, I’m not smart enough, confident enough...and this comparing is not helpful. These people I am comparing myself to, they haven’t just landed in their success overnight. It’s been hard work and a journey. I am just starting my journey so I need to just focus on the small (and achievable) steps. It’s worth remembering too that we always put the best bits of ourselves forward in social situations or on social media. People often reserve their struggles and vulnerability for behind closed doors. So a comparison might only even be to the best version of someone else, not a true representation (think the “air-brushed” beauty versus the face in the mirror first thing in the morning!). Again, not helpful and not realistic. What I need to do is be mindful of these thoughts and the most important thing for me to acknowledge right now is that everyone is at a difference place in their respective wellness or business journeys.

And I even realised that often I compare myself to myself. If I am feeling low, unmotivated, sick or in pain I will often compare my activity levels, enthusiasm or mood to periods when I was feeling great. Or it might even be that I will compare myself at this moment with the “me” I would like to be (we all have that dream version of ourselves that never puts a foot wrong and is always a picture of perfection...don’t we?). This comparison also brings despair. I am not as motivated as I was last week; I am not as mentally clear as I was yesterday. There is an important lesson from Buddhism that I need to recall in these moments, impermanence. Not to hold on to an image or a comparative version of myself, let it go. She is long gone. I am changing in each moment.

So, comparing as a benchmark for setting goals and aspirations is helpful. Comparing to bring myself down and beat myself up is not. I am going to make a commitment to ditch comparison. Are you with me?  I will not compare myself to others because we are all different. We each have our own unique array of skills, challenges, backgrounds and support structures. I want to be happy with who I am and what I have achieved. I want to celebrate the successes of others and support those facing challenges. But I want to do this without comparing to my own situation. I will also stop comparing myself with myself. I am me at this point in time. Right now, in this moment, I might be sick or I might be feeling awesome and that is ok.

How do you compare? Is it helpful?

Photo credits to my 6 year old...not bad!

When fun turns to not fun (pain)

A big challenge when you self manage chronic pain is knowing when to stop having fun! Imagine, you are really enjoying some task and getting into it. Bang! Before you realise, you are sore and tired and need to rest. Sound familiar? When fun turns to not fun (pain) you have overdone it. This may result in a pain flare up. If we can recognise when to stop with greater accuracy we can prevent flare up frequency.

As you may know I have been involved in #sugarfreeseptember. It’s a challenge to give up refined sugar for the entire month and involves posting a picture for each day based on a theme. Yesterday’s theme was fun. I was having a lot of it. So much fun, I forgot to take a photo. There was plenty of opportunity too. We had a very casual Sunday at home with the kids, in the garden, preparing garden beds, we went for a walk to the shops, the sun was shining. I cooked some delicious meals (pancakes for breakfast and chicken bone both with vegetables for lunch). I even made some chocolate nut balls for the sugarfree afternoon treat. But when dinner time came around, I was pooped. My pain had increased, I was starting to feel a little nauseated and I wanted to go to bed. Problem was I had two very wide awake kids, a mess in the kitchen and no dinner prepared. I think I got lost between fun and not fun.

How to know when to stop? I am (obviously) still grappling with this one. But here are a few hints and tips:

Timed tasks: Do you know how long this task will take? Before starting, I need to assess how long it will take to set up, complete and pack up a certain job. I also need to have an understanding of how much I have left in the tank. This would involve an assessment of how much I have already done in a day.  If I believe I can do it then I need to get the timer, pace out the activity with some short breaks (whatever I have deemed my “activity” timing to be) and stop when it’s done (and that does include time taken to tidy up or put tools/things away). If I forget this important step then I am likely to complete the task but with a mess left behind. This is the bit I always seem to forget but it can cause trouble for me because it will result in loading up extra emotions (guilt, inadequacy), requiring help or feeling of overwhelm. A timer (small kitchen timer or your smart phone) can be the best device for ensuing you complete a task, start to finish, with breaks and without overdoing it. Another thing I have realised, if my tasks does involve the kids, they need to be warned in advance the timing of the task. My kids often have more energy than me and they might be fine to kick the footy for hours on end but I can offer them only the time I have determined is suitable for ensuring I don’t cause a flare up.

Reality check questions: Here are a few reminder questions I can ask myself to ensure I am fully prepared to undertake or continue a task at any point in time. Does this really need to be done right now? This is not meant to be a question to fool yourself out of completing a task you do not like (no cheating!). I will often choose to do activities that I enjoy despite the fact that I probably don’t have the energy left to complete them to a good standard (i.e. finishing without the mess part). I am particularly susceptible in the kitchen. I will choose to start baking when I really don’t have the time or effort to complete it but I choose to because I want to eat that particular food or have a healthy option available for my family. Does this task align with my goals? This can be good for determining where my priorities are and how a given task might affect them. By choosing a task that may flare my pain I need to be aware of the impact it may have on my family (reduced time spent with them, requiring their help to clean my mess).

Communicate: Sometimes the difference between fun and not fun is a short break. Maybe you need to go do some stretches or have a quick sit down. If you are having fun with others (your family, in social situations, even in the workplace), don’t be afraid to communicate your needs in that moment. “Do you mind if we sit down to keep talking?” or “Can we come back to this in five minutes I just need to do some stretches”. This might be all it needs to prevent slipping beyond fun.

It’s OK to say no: If you have done a timing assessment and asked a few reality checks and you are not sure you can manage a task, don’t start. Perhaps it is better to put off than get started and realise you have overdone it. There is a very delicate balance between activity based goals (that is, saying you are going to complete an activity regardless of pain) and not overdoing it (completing a task at the risk of flaring pain). It’s a fine line and it differs from day to day. The only way you can get better at knowing when to stop is to be more aware and undertake tasks mindfully. And, I believe, the most important part of any job is a mindful beginning, deciding whether or not you should even start.

Acceptance: Again, I am always going to have to come back to this. Sometimes I just make really bad choices, I haven’t done the timing or the reality checks and I have pushed beyond fun. It is important I accept and act in these situations. Apologise if I need to. “I’m sorry I made a bad choice”. This is OK to say some of the time. I am getting better at this and it does not happen as frequently as it used to. I need to make stronger choices once I have realised my mistake but without layering on the additional emotional pain and judgement. That will only make the situation worse.

So, when you are having fun what do you do to ensure it doesn’t slide into “not fun”?